I don't have Gay jungle fever
by Dukeofnachos
Summary: Tamaki's a teenager, so it's only right that his inner mind theater be as hormonal as he is. But sometimes, it's hard to tell what's real and whats not.
1. gay jungle fever

Disclaimer: I don't own Ouran high school host club. I don't even go to high school.

Warning: The following contains language unsuitable for minors. If you're under th age of 18 and have never come across the words "Damn" and "Bitch" before…well you have now.

O o

| DOWN WITH BOB! BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!__________ __ ▌  
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_Haruhi smiled seductively and kissed her way down Tamaki's chest._

"_I'm so _hungry_ sempai."She whispered. She unbuttoned his jeans, and- _

Tamaki came back to reality.

"Son of a bitch!"

"What's wrong sempai?" Haruhi asked.

"Haruhi you took psychology, why do my daydreams always end right before the really sexy part?" Tamaki asked.

"I don't know, maybe we should work on that…_together._ " It was with that the two hosts started to lean in.

Tamaki's inner theater ran out of batteries.

He found himself leaning in to thin air while Kyoya watched curiously.

"Damn it!"

"Calm down Tamaki." Kyoya said. "and enjoy yaoi love." The shadow king leaned in for a kiss.

'Snap out of it!'

Their faces were now dangerously close.

'ABORT!!! ABORT!!!'

"STOP IT I DON'T HAVE GAY JUNGLE FEVER!!!!!"

He came back to earth to find Mori staring at him with a look that said "Did you take your medicine today?"

"Okay, we should go?" Mori asked.

Tamaki just nodded.


	2. waffle time

I don't own Ouran.

I've decided to keep this going, only because there are things that can be done with Ouran no one has done. I do _**not**_ support _**TamakixHaruhi**_!!!!!

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"Hey Kyoya, guess what? Haruhi and I are dating! Isn't that great!?" Tamaki told the Shadow king. He was still a bit shaky around Kyoya after the "Gay jungle fever" daydream, but this was news that had to be told! Tamaki found himself a little scared when the light shined on Kyoya's glasses, hiding his eyes. Tamaki might not know, but it was possible for Kyoya to feel jealousy. Haruhi was his, damn it!

"Look Tamaki," Kyoya started, now deciding to have fun with the boy. Of course he knew about the daydream. He was Kyoya. "as far as your love life goes, normally I couldn't care less who's laying your quivering body down by the fire while your lips whisper 'No, no, no.' but your eyes scream 'yes, yes, oh big daddy yes!' but when your dating Haruhi, it forces me to spend time with you outside of school and club activities and I just won't have that so here's the deal."

Tamaki flinched. Had he said something wrong? Had he done something to Kyoya? Why was Kyoya always mad at him? He'd do anything for Mommy. Kyoya continued.

"Don't wanna have dinner with you; don't wanna go bowling with you, and I never, ever, again wanna walk into my kitchen and hear you say," Kyoya took a deep breath "'well it's waffle time, it's waffle time. Won't you have some waffles of **mine**?'" Tamaki sung the last word slightly out of tune. Kyoya sighed. "Look, we'll be bestest friends foreverest if you just keep your face out of mine."

"Are you jealous of Haruhi? Come on Kyoya, admit it. You always wanted to be mommy!" Tamaki said.

"Wrong."

"Then you're jealous because she's mine." Tamaki hit it perfectly. Except for one thing. Kyoya would never admit to jealousy. No, Tamaki had just taken what rightfully belonged to the Otoori heir.

"Tamaki, I'm about to list things I care about more that your relationship with Haruhi. Do try to keep up; I don't like to repeat myself." Kyoya cleared his throat. "Low carb diets, Michel Moore, the republican national convention, Cabala and all Cabala related products, Hi-def T.V., The bush daughters, wireless hotspots, the O.C., The U.N., recycling, getting punked, Danny Gaghns, The Latin Grammy's, The real Grammy's, Jeff that wiggle who sleeps to darn much, The Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, and every talk show host ever created." Tamaki looked hurt, but Kyoya didn't mind at all. Tamaki turned to leave. "Oh, and Hugh Jackman."

Tamaki turned around. "Hugh Jackman is Wolverine™! How dare he?"

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Kinda strange that he wasn't affected enough to say anything until Kyoya got to Hugh Jackman, isn't it? I'd do gay or European next, if it weren't already on here. I'd have put him with Mori. Why? No reason, it's just that the only love Mori gets is from an 18-year-old with the body and mind of an 8-year-old. I don't think that's fair. Give him some blondes.


	3. toaster

I didn't own it last chapter. I didn't own it the chapter before that. Do you really think I own it now.

This isn't from Scrubs, it's from Foamy the Squirrel.

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Tamaki ran up to Hikaru and Kaoru as fast as he could, red toaster in hand. They were sitting on a couch in the third music room.

"Hey guy's, look what I bought. It's one of those haunted toasters from Amityville." He hid his head behind the toaster. "AMITYVILLE!"

Hikaru rolled his eyes. "Why would you buy a haunted toaster? Why would a toaster even be haunted?"

Tamaki shrugged. "Beats me. But check this out." Tamaki set the toaster on the table. He then pulled some bread out from under the table. He put plain white bread in the toaster. The three hosts waited 48 seconds. The toaster dinged and out popped…wheat toast?

"Wheat toast?" Hikaru started.

"How did you come up with wheat toast?" Koaru finished.

"No one knows!" Tamaki said in a spooky voice. "If you put in wheat bread, you get pumpernickel. Put in pumpernickel, you get a blueberry muffin!"

"Bullshit." Kyoya said walking up. He stood next to Tamaki, genuinely curios.

"Oh yeah?" Tamaki said holding up another piece of bread. "Well I just happen to have a piece of pumpernickel bread RIGHT HERE."

Kyoya mock gasped as Tamaki put the bread in the toaster. After a while, a blueberry muffin popped out.

"That's so cool Tama-chan!! What happens if you put a bagel in there?" Hunny said from Mori's shoulder. Hunny jump off of Mori and landed on the couch across from the twins. Mori sat next to him.

Tamaki held up a bagel. "Good question!" He put the bagel in the toaster. They waited. Ding! Fried Pork chop? That was when Haruhi walked in.

"Hey guys I-" Haruhi followed the other hosts gaze to the toaster. "Is-is that a pork chop in a toaster?"

"Aw man what a jip. I was hoping for a Poptart." Hunny said snapping.

"What happens if you use waffles?" Haruhi asked.

"Ah, the auction description specifically said not to use waffles." Tamaki told them. It was true. No waffles.

"Why not?" Mori asked, a bit mad at the authoress that he didn't appear last chapter. He was also a little scarred for life because of the reason. He had been forced to meet the authoress' other favorite characters with Nekozawa.

"I don't know. Something about getting back a toasted human hand or something." Tamaki said absentmindedly inspecting the toaster. Kyoya and Mori looked each other straight in the eye before nodding.

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**About two minutes later.**

Kyoya and Mori sat watching the toaster. Ding! It was…

"Cool. It's a hand." Kyoya said.

"WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT USING WAFFLES!!??"

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THE AMITYVILLE TOASTER

MAKES BREAKFAST SPOOKY

SPOOKY TALK FROM TOASTER

SPOOKY EAT ME TOAST

YUM YUM YUM

HUMAN HAND

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Nice huh? Review and next chapter Nekozawa might show up!


	4. why Tamaki won't show up next chapter

Do you really think that if I owned _anything _I would write fanfiction?

I thought up this chapter on my own. But some jokes from Khenpoe's bleach abridged.

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Tamaki sat alone in the third music room, contemplating the next chapter. Would they do a pants joke? A wrong script joke? A Naruto reference? Maybe voice actors joke. No, that wouldn't make people laugh…or would it? Tamaki was too wrapped up in his thoughts to notice the door opening, and two hosts slipped inside unnoticed. They shut and locked the door

Kyoya and Mori.

They silently crept over to the host king. Truthfully, they probably could have run in singing the "Campfire song" song while banging pots and pans. Tamaki was that far gone. Kyoya got close to Tamaki's ear before whispering, "Hello Kingsy."

Tamaki jumped 5 feet in the air before falling flat on his face. He got up and brushed himself off before turning to look out of the window.

"So you've finally got me alone. Took you long enough." Tamaki said.

"You know Tamaki; it's amazing what a little off-screen time can do for a guy." Kyoya started. "Remember how you kicked our asses for what happened last chapter?"

"We were a little high then." Mori stated. Kyoya nodded. Tamaki turned to them.

"We're fine now though, and we think it's only right that we pay you back for it. After all, that's what friends are for, right Tamaki?" Kyoya said grinning. The grin was evil, and it sent a shiver down Tamaki's spine. The blond looked up at Mori, seeking protection, but found the same evil Kyoya had.

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Outside the music room 4 minutes later

"No! No that doesn't bend that way! No it's not supposed to- *snap* Now it does! Oh god that's not gonna fit in there! *rip* Oh god please let me go!! Wait! What are you doing with that samurai sword!? Please no! No, don't put that in there!"

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And that is why Tamaki won't show up next chapter. Review!


	5. Hunny's Meds

**I am writing FANfiction right now on FANfiction (dot) net. If anyone on here actually **_**owns**_** what they are writing FANfiction about, I hate them and they can go die in a fire.**

**This is from Foamy. I just love Squirrel Songs.**

* * *

Haruhi watched as Hunny walked into the third music room, twitching, Kyoya and Mori following close behind, sighing.

"What's with him?" Haruhi asked as they sat on the couch across from her.

"He thinks everyone is singing. He's on this new medication for A.D.D." Kyoya answered.

Haruhi bent slightly. "What's wrong Hunny-sempai?"

He looked up at her, bags under his eyes, and began to sing.

"Oh jeez,

I think I saw Elvis

Oh jeez,

I think it was a side effect

Of my meh-"

He began twitching uncontrollably until Mori flicked his head. Surprisingly, it was almost as if music started as he sung.

"Medication

And it wasn't on the back

Of the bottle of the pills"

He held out a pill bottle.

"So I'm

Seeing Elvis

In my refrigerator

It's freaking me out

So I say, yo, later!"

He began jumping around the room, his voice was surprisingly, unshaken. Mori left to get coffee.

"I don't wanna see dead stars in my Jello

Not near my Ice cubes"

He was on his knees in front of Haruhi.

"Not near my Ice cubes please

I put those in my drink

Not near my Ice cubes please

I put those in my drink"

This came ironically when Mori brought the coffee. He handed Hunny a cup and the small boy looked down into it.

"At least I think I do…"

Haruhi raised an eyebrow at this. She opened her mouth, and was about to reply, when the twins burst in.

"Hey! You can't just bust in here like the freaking cool-aid man!" Hunny cried.

"The boss is in the hospital!" They yelled in unison. Mori and Kyoya were instantly sweating bullets.

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**I've decided to put in some story.**


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